Does Complaining, Whining and Making Excuses Give You That Warm Fuzzy Feeling?

 Complaining, whining and making excuses just keep you out of the present. - John Wooden

I was sitting in a conference room with my fellow directors. We just finished our monthly meeting. We all drove in from our respective hospitals to discuss various topics impacting. This day was different because several of sat around and talked and shared stories after the meeting ended. At first I enjoyed the stories. It is always interesting to hear about the challenges my fellow directors face at their sites.

However, as I later reflected on the conversation, I realized there was no real benefit of the two hours we sat and talked. Yes, it was cathartic. But what change came about? What action items did I come away with? What hope did I come away with? Zero. I just came away with this nice warm feeling that I am not the only one in my struggles.

As I sat and reflected on this, I realized too many times and in too many ways I give into complaining, whining and making excuses. Things are bad at work? Let’s go see such and such so we can complain together. A fellow leader has “made me mad,” well let me go talk to such and such to whine. I am not meeting my metrics? Well, let me blame it on things I have no control over.

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, does it feel good in the moment? Do you enjoy the chance to vomit out whatever is on your mind?

I want to stop this habit. And yes, it is a habit. A really bad one. I want to stop complaining, whining and making excuses. I want to stop trying to make myself feel better, look better or get sympathy from someone else. Because later on I realize I wasted time and energy. I did not help myself, the situation, or the person I spoke with.

Yes. It is great to get together with others to discuss the challenges. It is great to go to someone to speak with them about a difficult situation. But if the conversation is to just complain or whine, then it is a pointless conversation. I want to come away with these types of conversations with a way to improve things. I want to come away from conversations having grown and, hopefully, to have caused the other person to grow as well.

So, I am changing my intent regarding conversations. I hope that some of these resonate with you and challenge you to raise the bar on your conversations as well.

1. Enter each conversation with the plan to not complain, whine or make excuses.  No matter what is going on. Even if events happen, such as a pandemic, that impacts how I do my work.
2. Begin with the end in mind.  I will enter each conversation with the idea of how I want the conversation to end. For me, what actions will I come away with from this interaction? What inspiration can I provide to the person I am going to speak with?
3. Ask more and better questions. I will listen more. I will seek to learn more. To do this I will ask questions more than I will talk. I will truly listen to the answers to learn and grow.
4. Focus on the other person more. Too often I focus more on getting my point across, or trying to lead the conversation in a certain way. Now, I will focus more on the other person, what they are saying and use the conversation to affirm and build them up.

I admit, these intentions are hard. And, as I mentioned earlier, I developed some bad habits. But I believe implementing these simple ideas will help me change my habits, change my attitude and, ultimately, help me grow as a person.

I challenge you to adopt some of these intentions. What are others ways you can improve your conversations with others? If you struggle in this area, how can you overcome the habits of whining, complaining and making excuses?